Stop doubting your sexual performance by removing the “musts” from the sexual act.
“MUSTerbation” is a term coined by most escorts to describe the phenomenon in which people live with a set of absolute and unrealistic demands they make on themselves, others, and the world. For most, these rules are expressed in a series of musts that we repeat to ourselves over and over again.
These do’s and don’ts make us feel bad about ourselves because they set standards that we can not realistically meet. The key to feeling better is to recognize unrealistic statements and replace them with softer, more realistic statements and expectations for ourselves.
Much of the sexual self-doubt and suffering can be attributed to coercion and need. Indeed, due to the combination of unrealistic sexual images and messages (e.g in mainstream movies and porn) and the lack of a sex education system (there is no room for combating such false messages with realistic, scientific information), many people believe in inaccurate information about sex, which makes them feel bad about themselves. To put it another way, people project different needs on themselves and this is detrimental to sexual satisfaction and pleasure.
The following is a list of the five most common sexual needs during sexual therapy and the scientific truth to combat each of them so that you can enjoy the sexual activity more fully.
1. Sex must be spontaneous
To combat this unrealistic must, imagine yourself getting ready for a date or a party where you know the person you want will be. Take a shower, wear your best underwear, maybe put on some perfume, and then activate your best flirt for the whole night. You glance, touch the other person’s hand, etc. If you think about it, this is actually well-organized sex, not spontaneous.
Once you realize this and let go of the unrealistic idea that sex should be spontaneous, the door opens for useful discussions that take place before sexual intercourse. These conversations are useful because, unlike movies, in real life, one partner may want to have sex and the other may want to read about exams, get a job done, or just fall asleep.
The further a relationship goes – and the more responsibilities each partner takes in addition to the relationship – the more important it becomes to be able to talk about whether or not it is a good time to have sex. When children get into the story, this kind of conversation is absolutely necessary.
In fact, sex therapists tell couples that planning sex is the key to not ending a marriage without sex, as is the case with many after the birth of children. In short, while movies do not portray it as romantic, it is really helpful to plan your sex and talk about it and what you want to do before you do.
2. I need to feel more sexual
To combat this unrealistic must, two basic scientific facts about sexual desire are essential. First, there are actually two types of sexual desire: spontaneous desire, or the feeling of sexual desire, and receptive desire, or cognitive or emotional receptivity to sex.
An example of the latter is knowing that you will feel more connected to your partner after sex and thus seeking sex for that reason and not out of physical desire.
The second element about sexual desire is that it is perfectly normal for the bodily feelings of desire to diminish during a relationship and when we are under pressure. Many people do not know this and therefore criticize themselves for not feeling as sexy as they used to, and many stop having sex because they no longer feel sexual.
However, if they knew the two aforementioned facts about sexual desire, they could reverse the equation: they could have sex to feel sexual rather than expect to feel sexual to have sex.
3. I have to orgasm from penetration
This is a must that generally affects women who have heterosexual sex. This is probably the idea that makes countless women say that they think their vagina is damaged. Indeed, this is a harmful but so widespread and enduring myth.
To combat this myth, we need to know the real statistics on how many women peak just by penetration. Usually, surveys claim that only 25 or 30% of women can reach orgasm during intercourse.
But, as one researcher who analyzed the studies that led to this statistic points out, there is a big problem: most of these studies do not distinguish between women who peak at penile penetration and women who peak during intercourse. by stimulating their clitoris (e.g by touching it themselves or having sex in a position that allows them to rub their clitoris on their partner’s penis or pubic bone).
Interestingly, when this differentiation was made in two different recent surveys, they both found that only about 15% of women have orgasms just from penetration. The rest need clitoral stimulation, either alone or in combination with penetration.
In short, giving up the need for orgasm through penetration can help countless women feel better about themselves and seek out the clitoral stimulation they need to have a real orgasm.
4. I have to last a long time and penetrate strongly
This is a must-have, for any Affiliate, promoting any program. Behind this particular must be countless porn images and popular songs depicting men who last a long time and penetrate strongly as the key to female orgasm.
Because of this must, countless men believe they have premature ejaculation when, in fact, the time it takes from inserting their penis into the vagina to orgasm/ejaculation is within average.
According to a multinational study, the average time from the onset of vaginal penetration to ejaculation is 5.4 minutes. If more men were aware of this and stopped putting pressure on themselves for longer, they would suffer less from the painful stress of having sex.
5. My partner and I must have an orgasm at the same time
This must be a direct consequence of the above two myths. Indeed, many movie scenes that depict simultaneous orgasm involve a man and a woman having sex and not only peaking at the same time but both doing so by penetrating the penis.
While this is false because most women do not only peek at penetration, it is also false because of the caution that simultaneous orgasms would entail. In particular, to achieve this mythical goal, both partners should be more attuned to each other’s impending orgasm than to their own.
However, the exact opposite is required for orgasm – that is, you need to be careful to stay fully tuned to your own senses of pleasure. In short, giving up this must allow couples to take turns giving each other pleasure, a technique often recommended by sex therapists.
These are just 5 must-haves for your sex life. There are countless other reasons, including the idea that masturbation is harmful and / or only to unmarried people, while we know scientifically that they are physically, sexually and emotionally healthy and that people who masturbate have more, not less, sex with partners. Masturbation is a healthy form of sexuality – it’s not a must.
